🎨 3 Ideas on How to Create Meaningful Relationships at Work

At a Glance:

• How Consulting Friendships Are Born (My story)
• 3 Ideas on How to Take a First Step to Build Relationships at Work that Matters
• Simple Exercise to Assess Your Relationships (Not Only Work Ones)

Relationships are a huge part of our lives and always will be. Or at least they always should be, although some people might have deprioritized them too much. We can observe a lot of relationship building moving to the online world. Yet, I believe that the most valuable ones are still those we create in real life. Even if everything starts online, once you get a face-to-face connection, you discover the real person and find (or not) the chemistry.

Remote working is beloved by employees, but it limits our face-to-face interactions in exchange for life flexibility and more opportunities to build relationships in the real world with people outside of your workplace.

On the other hand, many of those who started their careers before the remote working era probably remember how relationship building looked when you went to the office every day and were part of morning coffee chats in the kitchen.

My Story

I started my career in consulting, where long working hours were the norm. Was this good? Of course not, but I think choosing this path at that time meant you were kind of accepting the pros and cons of it. If not, why would you join consulting knowing what the work looks like?

It’s hard not to make friends when you spend 10+ hours at work in the same room. You work together, eat together, laugh together, go for lunch together, and struggle to solve challenges together. From my experience, the toughest projects with the longest working hours and biggest challenges created the best friendships, the ones that I still cultivate.

Yet, if you read my description above, you could compare this to a golden cage. Consulting gives you everything you need so that you don’t have to leave the office. Breakfast? There is free food in the fridge. Lunch? Free machines to buy freshly microwave-made meals ready in 5 minutes. Dinner? Don’t worry, catering will be waiting for you when you need it. Need some fun? They will organize trips for you, company events where you can bring your family. Everything is served to you so that you work in peace and without distractions.

Yes, the pandemic has probably changed this a bit, but not entirely, at least based on what I hear from my friends.

Being in a golden cage is an illusion, yet some people get stuck there because they have all they need, including friends. And those are needed, especially in tough times.

I think it is important to be smart and not let the gold deceive you. Then you can have a good life in consulting. I did. But I was very intentional with it. Thanks to that, I have some really good friends now that I would not have had without going through the consulting journey and its challenges together.

In my current company, I work remotely, so the level of 1-to-1 interactions is significantly lower than I had in previous roles. This encouraged me to be more intentional with my work relationships. Whenever I travel for work, I invest my time in building connections with people I travel with. This has been the most important part for me.

Three years after joining and having more and less frequent travels, the people I have met in person and spent time with are the closest to me. But it doesn’t happen just like that. I invest not only my time but also energy to build the relationships I care about.

Next to travel, honesty and transparency are crucial for me. I hate internal politics and how various information is used to manipulate people. For me, transparency has always been the way to build good relationships with my team as well as with leaders above me.

I can proudly say that I have been awarded internally twice in a row with a Tractable statue for ‘Helping Colleagues Succeed.’ This proves my way of working works, and I do achieve what I want – which is respect and friendships.

Of course, you can’t be friends with everyone, and that’s not the point. That’s why I’m intentional. Some work relationships are more transactional, and I focus on pushing things forward, making them happen, and helping each other do a good job.

But others are craved and cared for by me. If I see this is a mutual approach, then I will invest in it. If not, then I accept it and keep it focused and concrete.

Often, there are people who we attract or who attract us – this helps with choosing your work friends. Even in the online world, this is possible, you just have to let it happen. How?

Idea 1: Moving from Empty Small Talk to More Intentional Opening Call Conversations

Instead of accepting the answer “not great” for ‘How are you?’ genuinely ask if they want to share what happened or talk about it.

Instead of “How are you?” observe and ask:

• If they smile - “What’s made you so happy today?”
• If they don’t - “Where is your smile? Is there any reason why you seem sad today?”

Instead of “How was your weekend?” ask: “What was the highlight of your weekend?”

Instead of “Have a great weekend,” say: “I hope you will have fun with your partner/kids/someone (give a name) this weekend.”

Tip: Make notes about people you want to get to know better. Remember names of people close to them, where they live, their hobbies, etc. Personal touch is what builds unforgettable connections in the online world.

Idea 2: Be Open Yourself

If your small talk questions don’t work, just try yourself first. Be open and share a bit of your personal side with the other person. Let them know that you want to get to know them too.

Idea 3: Give

Give, help, and support. Best friends are met in the worst moments of your life. If you can, be helpful to the people you wish to build closer relationships with. Offer something without expecting anything in return. The more you give, the more you get. Kindness comes back to us, but remember – not necessarily from the same person. So don’t expect a 1-to-1 transactional exchange.

Assess Your Relationships (Not Only Work Ones)

I like to analyze my relationships (not only the work ones) looking at them in three dimensions:

• Lifetime
• Season
• Reason

This helps me accept the fact that sometimes I must let go. We grow, they grow. Something that connected us in the past doesn’t necessarily keep us connected forever.

Step 1.

Create a list of the people you've spent time with in the last one to two months.

Step 2.

Next to each name, categorize them as a 'Season,' 'Reason,' or 'Lifetime' friend to reflect the nature and potential duration of your relationship with them.

• Season friend - someone who enters your life as a welcome change, but usually after ‘season’ ends, they disappear.
• Reason friend - someone who shows up in our life with a reason, e.g to help you learn something to grow.
• Lifetime friend - someone who stands by your side through the best and worst moments of your life, always loving and supporting you.

Step 3.

In the next column, think about your role in each person's life.

Are you giving back as much as you're getting?

Consider where you could offer more support or kindness.

I’ve seen a couple of variations of this model. One is called Tree of Life and uses a tree metaphor – leaves, branches, and roots.

And one more thing – I do trust my intuition when it comes to friendships. Somehow, I knew my best friends at various moments of my life from the first sight.

Advice for You

Don’t let yourself get caught in a golden cage. Choose your relationships wisely and analyze your work (and not only) relationships – maybe you can use the framework I shared.

Think openly about what you want from the people you work with. If you need a friend, be intentional. Get to know a few people better and see if you match.

And remember, it’s okay to give more. It will come back to you, not necessarily from the same person, but it will.

Closing Remarks

Relationships at work can be life-changing. Finding a partner or a lifetime friend is priceless. But they can also be deceitful and lock you up in a golden cage of comfort if you let your workplace do so.

I hope you find people who will lift you up when needed and those who will need you.