🎨 The Power of Two Letters: ‘NO’

At a glance:

• How saying 'NO' can be your best shield?
• Understanding the 'HELL YES' concept.
• My story of building a pattern for 'NO' as the default answer to make more conscious decisions.
• Build your own ‘HELL YES’ rules.
• How to say 'NO' politely?

Have you ever found yourself saying 'YES' when every fiber of your being wanted to scream 'NO'? Why do we commit to plans that stretch us thin, or take on tasks that we know will lead to burnout? Is it the fear of disappointing others, or the belief that being endlessly accommodating is the hallmark of kindness and success?

In today's world, technology and ways of working have made us available 24/7. We often feel an internal obligation to respond to emails right after we receive them, answer all calls, and accept all meeting invites. We feel like we have to do all of that so as not to disappoint people. Many of us are people pleasers, often without realizing it. Social trends promote kindness, helping each other, and being open to the world. And all of this is good. BUT - at the same time, we have to remember about ourselves. Saying ‘NO’ to a meeting with a friend while you don’t feel like going out doesn't mean you've stopped being a kind person. You have to think about yourself and respect your needs. And ‘NO’ is your superpower to achieve that. Kenny Nguyen, in his TED talk, compared ‘YES’ to a sword and ‘NO’ to a shield that can protect you. Use your shield, but use it wisely.

Understanding the ‘HELL YES’ concept:

At the heart of  this article is the concept of 'HELL YES' - which can dramatically transform the decision-making process and support building your 'NO' shield. But what does it exactly mean, and how do we identify it?

A 'HELL YES' is that gut-level affirmation that something is absolutely right for us at this moment. It's not a simple ‘YES’. It's a ‘YES’ that resonates with our core values, desires, and goals. A 'HELL YES' fills you with excitement, aligns with your aspirations, and  feels inherently rewarding, even if it comes with its set of challenges.

Differentiating between enthusiasm and obligatory YESes

Listen to your gut: Our intuition often knows the difference between 'HELL YES' and a ‘YES’. If the prospect of doing something fills you with dread or you find yourself searching for reasons to convince yourself, it's likely not a 'HELL YES'.

Assess alignment with core values: Genuine enthusiasm typically aligns with our core values and what we hold important in life. If an opportunity or request doesn't resonate with these, it might not be worth trying.

Consider the emotional response: A 'HELL YES' usually comes with a sense of excitement or positive anticipation. If your response to an opportunity is lukewarm or you're indifferent, it might be a sign that it's an obligatory ‘YES’.

Evaluate the impact on your energy: Activities and commitments that are a 'HELL YES' tend to energize us or make us feel fulfilled. If the thought of doing something drains you before you even start, it's probably not a 'HELL YES'.

The fear factor: Sometimes, a 'HELL YES' can be scary because it pushes us out of our comfort zones. The key difference here is that this fear is accompanied by a sense of growth and excitement, unlike the dread that comes with obligatory ‘YES’.

Making 'HELL YES' decisions:

How to apply it in practice? Try by asking yourself below questions:

1. Does this opportunity excite me?
2. Is this opportunity aligned with my goals and values?
3. Will this contribute to my personal and/or professional growth?
4. How does the thought of saying ‘YES’ make me feel emotionally and physically?

The whole process of identifying your 'HELL YES' is deeply personal and can evolve. It requires honesty, self-reflection, and a lot of courage to say ‘NO’ to make room for those important ‘YESes’. Remember - every 'NO' to something that doesn't light you up is a step closer to a 'HELL YES' that truly matters.

My story:

I used to do many things I didn’t truly feel like doing. Invited to a party? I felt I had to go, not to miss anything interesting. Being at the company event - I felt I had to stay until the end, not to miss a thing, even if I was terribly tired. Colleague asking to have lunch? Of course, I would do that; I just needed to rearrange my calendar to make it fit. Someone needs help at work? I would always find time.

But it wasn’t good for me or my life. I was working too many hours, doing things I wasn’t fully convinced to do, and investing my time in relationships that didn’t seem meaningful.

Over the past years, I have gradually implemented a rule: “if it’s not a ‘HELL YES’, then it’s a ‘NO’” across various aspects of my life.

‘HELL YES’ to spend money: I started with a simple one - shopping! Clothes, shoes, accessories. I had too many things in my wardrobe already, and some of them weren’t really worn. I used to wear max. 25% of my closet on a regular basis. So every time I wanted to buy something or I already had bought it online, I was trying it on and making a decision based on my rule: it’s either 10000% YES or a NO, there is no in-between in that case. And it worked! So I applied the decision-making process to more shopping areas.

‘HELL YES’ to invest time: The next step for me was work-related things. Specifically meetings, calls, and requests. My calendar used to be full - 8 hours of calls, no break, not even for lunch. Everything seemed important and impossible to postpone. It seemed. But as I see now, that was just my perception at the time.

I sat down and reviewed my calendar to apply the logic: “‘if it’s not a ‘HELL YES’, then it’s a ‘NO’”. I knew I had to make drastic cuts to release some time for actual work that I used to do in the evenings.

#1 Meeting cadence: I reduced the cadence of the majority of weekly team meetings to fortnightly or monthly, depending on the topic.

#2 Meeting length: I changed the length of my meetings to default: 25 min or 50 min. I also added 15 min and 45 min meetings to my dictionary. (My secret: I love 15 min and 25 min options and try to minimize the long ones to really must-haves!)

#3 Meeting or message: Every time I get an ‘ask’ to schedule a meeting for something that seems easily solvable over a message exchange, I challenge people. I can proudly say that my success rate is >75%. It’s crazy how much time I could have wasted!

#4 Leverage existing meetings: Every time I get an ‘ask’ to schedule a meeting for something that requires it, I start with leveraging existing calendar meetings to solve the issue. Not doing that, I would have ended up again with a calendar full of meetings.

#5 Team cooperation: I’ve redesigned ways of working with my team. From weekly 60 min team catch-ups and weekly 30 min 1:1s, I switched to 45min fortnightly team meetups and weekly 15 min check-ins. We deal with additional topics in separate dedicated meetings anyway, so this was a smart change to free up some time for me and for them as well.

#6 Walking calls: I say ‘NO’ to meetings if my calendar is full. I don’t cancel my non-negotiables. But, to allow for some flexibility, I offer people my time every weekday, between 12 and 1 pm - when I go for a walk. This is a space when I can take a casual call that is urgent or have a coffee chat with someone from work. This is also a space to catch up on my family calls.

#7 'NO' to meetings with no agenda: If I get a new meeting and don’t know the agenda - it’s an automatic ‘NO’. Unless someone provides the clarification and I consider this as a ‘HELL YES’ option.

‘HELL YES’ to invest in mental health: This piece for me is all about self-value and relationships with others. I used to please people I cared about by agreeing to everything, even if this wasn’t comfortable to me. I was the one reaching out to friends asking to meet, especially those who were not in touch with me for a while. At some point, I realized I should be more selfish and audit my relationships. This led to some connections naturally dying as I stopped reaching out and since the other side wasn’t proactive, the relationship naturally ended. In the meantime, I met new friends with whom my answer to meet or chat is always both sides ‘HELL YES’. Similarly, I approach other topics that impact my life and how I feel. I think twice before responding ‘YES’ to opportunities, making sure they will have a positive impact on me, my life, or someone I care about. I also follow my values and priorities to ensure new commitments don't hold me back from going towards my dream life.

Your turn:

How can you step by step increase your assertiveness and learn to say ‘NO’? It's simple! But not easy, as it requires you to follow certain steps and be very mindful in your decision-making process.

Try these 5 steps:

1. Select areas of your life where you want to improve your assertiveness and self-care. I suggest you start with one area first.
2. Define your definition of ‘HELL YES’ for the selected area(s). List conditions that are crucial for you to make something a ‘HELL YES’ option (e.g., bringing you closer to promotion at work, opening new opportunities for your business, being important to your personal development).
3. Apply the “if it’s not a ‘HELL YES’, then it’s a ‘NO’” rule across your selected area(s) of life. Make a note each time you do so. Try to follow your thinking process.
4. After one month, reflect on your decisions from the month and revisit the ‘HELL YES’ definition if needed. Keep applying.
5. Start a new area and repeat steps 1-4.

Bonus tip: For all other areas, set ‘NO’ as your default answer in your head to all ‘asks’ you get from other people. Challenge yourself by asking questions: Will fulfilling that person’s ‘asks’ bring value for you? What is the alternative for me to spend my time alone? How important is this for the other person? If your answers steer you towards ‘NO’, use different polite ways of rejecting the ‘ask’.

How to say ‘NO’ politely? Check a few ideas below:

• I’m not sure I’m the best for it. / I don’t think I’m the right person for that.
• I’m just swamped right now, so I can’t. / Ask me in a month.
• I’m not able to make it this week/month/year. / Perhaps next season when things clear up.
• I have a few things I need to take care of first. Can I let you know later? / Let me think about it, and I’ll get back to you.
• I’ve got too much on my plate right now. / I’m not taking on anything else right now.
• I wish there were two of me!
• I’m flattered you considered me, but unfortunately, I’ll have to pass this time.
• I appreciate the invitation, but I am completely booked.
• Sounds great, but I can’t commit.
  

Closing remarks:

We've talked a lot about saying 'NO', and I hope you see it's more than just a two-letter word. It's about making choices that are right for you and not getting swept up in what everyone else wants.

Remember - every time you say 'NO', you're really saying 'YES' to things that matter more to you. It's not about being negative  or rejecting others; it's about being smart with your time and energy. Saying 'NO' means you know what you want and what you don't, and that's a big deal.

It might feel tough to say 'NO' at first, and that's okay. It's all part of growing and learning what makes you happy. Think of 'NO' as your tool for building the kind of life you've always wanted—one where you're in charge.

“Real freedom is saying ‘no’ without giving a reason.” -  Amit Kalantri

I love this quote; so powerful.

I think it’s all about achieving that perfect state of your mental health, selfishness, and assertiveness. To understand the value of your own life, your own time, and self-respect. By doing this, you will also teach others how to respect you. Take a bit of time next week to apply tools & frameworks listed above. Make sure you also analyze your recent decisions and situations when you responded ‘YES’ even if it was against your needs. Pause and reflect.